Could Newt Be The Next F.D.R. Let’s expose him to the polio virus and find out.
Sometimes a comment is so good, it deserves its own post.
I’d like to hold this comment’s hands while staring dreamily into its eyes as we loiter over a bottle of good cabernet in a picturesque French bistro. I’d like to bear this comment’s children. And etc….
That’s from the good Roger Ailes (the one who blogs and frequently comments over at roy’s joint – not the one who runs Fox News), in comments at Charlie Pierce’s Esquire blog. The topic was this tweet by
courtier journalist Jon Meacham:
I don’t know why I do these things to myself, but ever since I typed the name “Thomas Kinkade” in yesterday’s post, I’ve been kind of outraged. You know, by the things that pass as cultural touchstones here in Idiocracy – schlocky paintings of hobbit houses and maudlin songs about buying mama new shoes so she’ll look pretty when she meets Jesus. Or maybe the outrage just overfloweth; I’ve had a shorthand term for this for over 2 decades: the LCD, or lowest common denominator. The LCD Principle dictates that anything that starts out kind of hip and cool – TV shows, fashion and decorating trends, etc. – will in short order be rendered into lame pablum for the masses. That’s because in our society we define success by the baseline of money, and the only way to attract more money is by appealing to more people – which means watering down your concept or product for broader appeal – and, inevitably, turning it into a commercialized, banal piece of shit.
So anyhows, I got this outrage, and I gotta have somewhere to put it; where better than Thomas Kinkade? It’s not worth wasting too many words, plus there are some great links to people who have said it much funnier than I can, so let’s just enumerate the offenses:
First and foremost, his “art”:
Probably what makes Kinkade “America’s most collected living artist” is the phenom of buying art to match the sofa. What this means is there are some ugly-ass living rooms out there – a lot of them.
Offense the second: he’s trademarked the phrase “Painter of Light” and describes himself as above: “America’s most collected living artist.”
Above and beyond: that second image was made into an inspirational, straight-to-DVD movie about how Thomas became such a successful “artist.” I’m pretty sure Lifetime was involved:
Sweet lord, how did Peter O’Toole get roped into this pile of crap? But I love the snide joke in having Chris Elliott play the guy who hires him to paint the mural – with the dog on the bike. To inspire the townspeople.
Further offenses: he painted this, and actually describes it as follows on his website (note that the link goes directly to the “buy Thomas Kinkade shit” page):
“As part of the redesign of the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, North Carolina, I was asked to provide an image for use on a large wall. A very large wall – truly a moment of destiny for any artist.”
“To create the oil painting that would be the basis for the final mural, I utilized one of the largest canvases I have ever attempted in my studio. A full 6 feet wide, this canvas would be enlarged to create the final epic sized mural. As I worked it was as if heavenly light began to pour upon the canvas.”
“A final aspect of the creative process came when Franklin Graham himself suggested a fitting title for the work: The Cross. This simple title reflects the lifelong calling and legacy of his father, the evangelist Billy Graham.”
“My prayer is that this painting will bring hope to many just as Billy Graham has brought hope to millions through the gospel message.”
I saved the best for last, though…check out this post from Salon, posted in June, with this titillating sub-header:
His pastel dream world has become a lurid place of failed sobriety tests, bankruptcy and Winnie the Pooh abuse
Pooh abuse, you say?
And then there was the time he supposedly relieved himself on a Winnie the Pooh statue in a Disney hotel in Anaheim, Calif., while saying, “This one’s for you, Walt.” (Imagine Ashdown Forest at daybreak, and Winnie is drenched from a spontaneous shower; Tigger, Eeyore flee in terror. Title: “Golden Moments.”) When asked about this last story, Kinkade conceded in testimony that “there may have been some ritual territory marking going on, but I don’t recall it.”
Which brings us to one point of redemption: the above story inspired one of my favorite ever comments out of context:
Also. Too. This guy really hates Thomas Kinkade in a lot funnier way than I do. And as noted in comments, “Bob Ross could kick this dude’s ass…”
It just doesn’t get any better than that, my friends.
Update: From StringonaStick’s most excellent tip, you can see the Something Awful crowd’s take on Kinkade at the linkee. Here’s a sample:
Better yet, commenter B^4’s find:
A day behind on these because, if I haven’t mentioned it before, Comcast SUCKS DONKEY and my internet access has ranged between “I’ll think about it” and “HELL, no” since last THURSDAY. The one bright spot: they thought they were going to get to slap me with a service call charge for the mook they sent out 3 weeks ago who insisted that it was my MODEM that was the problem; I bought a new one and as it happens, the modem wasn’t the problem so much as the squirrel who chewed the insulation off the cable running to the house. (They are capable of annoying more than monkeys, it seems.)
What you have to love about the cable company – and by “love”, I mean “hate with the burning intensity of a thousand suns” – is their go-to line every time you have a problem – you know, the one about how you have to sit home all day and wait on them to decide to show up because the problem “MIGHT BE inside the house.” Give me a fucking break. The problem is NEVER inside the house; this is just a ruse to discourage you from ever making them come out to fix anything by making it impossibly inconvenient. Well, I’ve got them by the short hairs THIS time…there’s a bill for that first service call that won’t be getting paid. A victory hard-won with the waste of two days of my time…and about a week without internet access.
Did I mention that I hate them with the burning intensity of a thousand suns?
Anyway, here’s the choice pickings from this past week:
JDM3 August 1st, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Don’t you think that at this point Mcginniss already has his own black out curtains up and may well be rethinking the “advantage” that lies in living next to the meth tweaking branch of the Yukon Snopses? Smell must be awful and I bet they’re noisy, too. Also daunting to look at in their home place.
August 2, 2010 at 16:06
In fairness to gun owners, that bear had a glass jaw and lowered his left to throw his right cross.
We all have our bears to cross.
Sadly, No!, 8/2/10
People Laugh At The Goddamn Batman’s Shark Repellant Bat Spray*, But Damnit, That Shit Fucking Works, Man! said,
August 2, 2010 at 17:02
Yeah, pepper spray doesn’t require special permits or training, is immensely likely to work better in moments of pants-shitting terror where pinpoint accuracy is not always feasible, and doesn’t permanently injure the bear while providing some adverse conditioning regarding the hairless apes and their pic-a-nic baskets. But Jeff Gannon Jr. wants you to “indulge” him in his fantasy about going Dirty Harry on Smokey.
Sadly, No!, 8/2/10
August 2, 2010 at 17:10
If the bear follows you up the tree, it’s a black bear. If it knocks down the tree, it’s a grizzly.
And if it goes looking for another cub to indulge, you’re probably on the Castro.
Sadly, No!, 8/2/10
Federalist LXXXVI said,
August 2, 2010 at 23:10
TO the people of the internet,
These Times being Strange and sore wond’rous and the current fashions in the area of the coiffure of respectable gentlemen being so woefully difficult to judge as the distance to any star, it does Seem to Seem that the adoption of the masque of Anonymity in order to criticize the chosen hairstyle of An Other be an act of such beastly cowardice as to make even a Tory blush.
And yet upon my word as a gentleman and scholar, three score fortnights ago as I tippled back glasses of malt with a certain bastard peddler’s brat that aforementioned brat (who was observed to prefer wine to malt like a girly man) had plastered his hair back with some sort of Cream or Ointment such that it did cleave unto his scalp like certain Gentlemen of Boston are observed to cleave unto the antediluvian and intolerable reign of an old, mad, blind, dying and despised King, it must be admitted that even yo homey Publius must upon Occasion take up the pen and say unto even his colleagues “Dude, you got some fucked up hair.”
When that aforementioned gentlemen with the gayass haircut hath arrogated unto himself the advantage of penning, what, the last 20 of these motherfucking Federalist Papers then truly it doth grate even more Greatly upon my nerves because what, I want to be remembered as some kind of chump while Hamilton goes down as the great boy genius and gets his face on paper money? Fuck that noise. Get a haircut, Hamilton, you pompous little limpdicked bitch.
Y’r obd’nt s’vn’t,
PS As my head doth throb in the harsh light of late afternoon Publius would also remind you, gentle readers, when tippling back the glasses at thy pub, remember, “Vine or grain but ne’er the twain.”
Sadly, No!, 8/2/10
The Seven Republican Dwarves: Greedy, Twitchy, Stabby, Ragey, Shouty, Whitey and Beck.
JT Orlando said,
August 5, 2010 at 22:16
My opposite marriage is now in tatters
Sadly, No!, 8/5/10
Fucking scythe-using goat-dowrists make me sick. True marriage is between sickle-users who exchange cows for daughters.
I’ve observed first hand that cow-for-daughter marriages from your village always pose a problem — which one is which? As for your choice of threshers, I can only pity you. And hate you with the force of a thousand suns.
Go ahead and crow about being from the clan Kaus. The cruel laughter you hear reflects our opinion of the height of your haycocks, heretic.
August 6, 2010 at 15:54
Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?
Le Rue du Mur Zhournal would undoubtedly have run an article “Gâteau Conduit à la Perte de Poids à la Décapitation”
(Cake Leads to Weight Loss Due To Decapitation)
Sadly, No!, 8/6/10
CrustyDem August 9th, 2010 at 12:31 am
Wow. I generally assumed Douthat was hired because somebody thought he was a good writer, or a smart guy, but this (after a fairly succinct description of how our view of heterosexual “traditional marriage” is anything but):
Rather, it’s that lifelong heterosexual monogamy at its best can offer something distinctive and remarkable — a microcosm of civilization, and an organic connection between human generations — that makes it worthy of distinctive recognition and support.
has got to be the shiftiest load of crap I’ve ever read. It’s the most reason-free turd of an argument I’ve ever read. “Gay marriage is just fine, but straight marriage can be better, because it feels that way to me.” Personally, I would rewrite that paragraph as:
Gay marriage can be a beautiful flower, verdant and colorful, rich and lush. This flower can fill your heart with joy and make a stern man sing with happiness. But straight marriage can be like a rainbow, with all the colors mixed together into one magnificent entity. And that rainbow kicks the shit out of your gay little flower anyday. Suck it, fags!
Thanks as always to this week’s contestants!
Finally, back on schedule with these, despite a quite hectic week. I attribute the timely posting to the high volume of top-notch snark posted in a variety of places this past week. For your reading (and WTF?) pleasure:
July 26, 2010 at 16:49
Beatings don’t kill people. Massive internal hemorrhages kill people.
Sadly, No!, July 26, 2010
herr doktor bimler
I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND
See, Dick jokes even without demand!
July 26, 2010 at 21:30
The university chancellor actually sends out mass e-mails to the whole campus in Comic Sans.
The faculty and staff of the Yoknapatawpha County Community Clown College is not laughing.
My alma mater is so maligned.
Sadly, No!, 7/26/10
Smut Clyde said,
July 27, 2010 at 7:11
…If the only tool you have is a rodent-shaped novelty vibrator then everything looks like a ratfuck.
Sadly, No!, 7/27/10
July 27, 2010 at 17:20
Oh. I thought the answer was “We don’t give a fuck because Jesus will come back before everything runs out anyway.”
He’s gonna be pissed that we fucked up his rental property.
Sadly, No!, 7/27/10
Kurtz has described “conversion from liberal to conservative politics” as “the ultimate aphrodisiac“
I’m of the opinion that no matter how obscure your fetish is, there’s a porn site out there specializing in it. It appears Kurtz found the exception to that rule.
Cause if it ain’t his fantasy it’s perversion.
Their infatuation with hip hop is a sign of Europe’s broader failure to assimilate Muslim immigrants to mature democratic mores, again because of a multiculturalist sensibility
Yeah, it really is time we put an end to European multiculturalism.
By the way, what does he suppose Muslim immigrant youth would be doing otherwise? Yodeling?
July 28, 2010 at 1:30
Some ladies prefer their men serif, while others prefer sans serif.
No one speaks of the serif holocaust.
Sadly, No!, 7/27/10
Mark D said,
July 29, 2010 at 23:07
If the market wants patients to have Bibles, the Invisible Hand will supply them.
The Invisible Hand is too busy giving out what everyone thinks are prostate exams, followed by a slap to the face …
… and it doesn’t even take the latex glove off first.
Sadly, No!, 7/29/10
Whale Chowder said,
July 30, 2010 at 1:35
The humorless dildos leave no room for scripture.
When you think about it, there is probably no more humorless dildo than one made out of scripture.
Sadly, No!, 7/29/10
Angry Geometer said,
July 30, 2010 at 16:11
Oh Big dicked guys, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of staring. We have believed the lie and claimed size doesn’t matter.
Sorry, I’m still taking my talents to South Beach. Buttsecks is a team sport, and I need to be surrounded by teammates that can play at my level if I ever wanna win a National Buttsecks Association cockring. Guys who won’t be afraid to play around the rim. Guys who can take it to the hole. Guys not nicknamed “Boobie”, basically.
And have you seen Florida? The whole state looks like a giant penis. It’s very comforting for a man of my, how shall we say, giant penis havingness.
Sadly, No!, 7/30/10
Any time you your feelings are determined by a sperm donor failing to meet your expectations, you are most definitely doing something wrong.
A fair portion of my professional life has been a sequence of jack-offs not making me happy, so I guess I can sympathize.
calling all toasters Says:
Nobody’s going to watch a movie about a dead teenage narcissist who doesn’t bite hot chicks on the neck. You should probably add some ten-penny fangs to your masterpiece.
Maybe a moustache too.
The Poor Man Institute, 7/31/10
Smut Clyde said,
August 2, 2010 at 0:19
Liberals love to go down the subjunctive mood route
It’s a bit longer but it doesn’t actually take any more time, and the scenery is better.
Sadly, No!, 8/1/10
A hearty thanks to all of this week’s contestants. Keep them coming!