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Comments Out of Context

A day behind on these because, if I haven’t mentioned it before, Comcast SUCKS DONKEY and my internet access has ranged between “I’ll think about it” and “HELL, no” since last THURSDAY.  The one bright spot:  they thought they were going to get to slap me with a service call charge for the mook they sent out 3 weeks ago who insisted that it was my MODEM that was the problem; I bought a new one and as it happens, the modem wasn’t the problem so much as the squirrel who chewed the insulation off the cable running to the house.  (They are capable of annoying more than monkeys, it seems.) 

What you have to love about the cable company – and by “love”, I mean “hate with the burning intensity of a thousand suns” – is their go-to line every time you have a problem – you know, the one about how you have to sit home all day and wait on them to decide to show up because the problem “MIGHT BE inside the house.”  Give me a fucking break.  The problem is NEVER inside the house; this is just a ruse to discourage you from ever making them come out to fix anything by making it impossibly inconvenient.  Well, I’ve got them by the short hairs THIS time…there’s a bill for that first service call that won’t be getting paid.  A victory hard-won with the waste of two days of my time…and about a week without internet access.

Did I mention that I hate them with the burning intensity of a thousand suns?

Anyway, here’s the choice pickings from this past week:

JDM3 August 1st, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Don’t you think that at this point Mcginniss already has his own black out curtains up and may well be rethinking the “advantage” that lies in living next to the meth tweaking branch of the Yukon Snopses? Smell must be awful and I bet they’re noisy, too. Also daunting to look at in their home place.

TBogg, 8/1/10

N__B said,

August 2, 2010 at 16:06

In fairness to gun owners, that bear had a glass jaw and lowered his left to throw his right cross.

We all have our bears to cross.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

People Laugh At The Goddamn Batman’s Shark Repellant Bat Spray*, But Damnit, That Shit Fucking Works, Man! said,

August 2, 2010 at 17:02

Yeah, pepper spray doesn’t require special permits or training, is immensely likely to work better in moments of pants-shitting terror where pinpoint accuracy is not always feasible, and doesn’t permanently injure the bear while providing some adverse conditioning regarding the hairless apes and their pic-a-nic baskets. But Jeff Gannon Jr. wants you to “indulge” him in his fantasy about going Dirty Harry on Smokey.

*Trufax.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

actor212 said,

August 2, 2010 at 17:10

If the bear follows you up the tree, it’s a black bear. If it knocks down the tree, it’s a grizzly.

And if it goes looking for another cub to indulge, you’re probably on the Castro.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

Federalist LXXXVI said,

August 2, 2010 at 23:10

TO the people of the internet,

These Times being Strange and sore wond’rous and the current fashions in the area of the coiffure of respectable gentlemen being so woefully difficult to judge as the distance to any star, it does Seem to Seem that the adoption of the masque of Anonymity in order to criticize the chosen hairstyle of An Other be an act of such beastly cowardice as to make even a Tory blush.

And yet upon my word as a gentleman and scholar, three score fortnights ago as I tippled back glasses of malt with a certain bastard peddler’s brat that aforementioned brat (who was observed to prefer wine to malt like a girly man) had plastered his hair back with some sort of Cream or Ointment such that it did cleave unto his scalp like certain Gentlemen of Boston are observed to cleave unto the antediluvian and intolerable reign of an old, mad, blind, dying and despised King, it must be admitted that even yo homey Publius must upon Occasion take up the pen and say unto even his colleagues “Dude, you got some fucked up hair.”

When that aforementioned gentlemen with the gayass haircut hath arrogated unto himself the advantage of penning, what, the last 20 of these motherfucking Federalist Papers then truly it doth grate even more Greatly upon my nerves because what, I want to be remembered as some kind of chump while Hamilton goes down as the great boy genius and gets his face on paper money? Fuck that noise. Get a haircut, Hamilton, you pompous little limpdicked bitch.

Y’r obd’nt s’vn’t,

Publius

PS As my head doth throb in the harsh light of late afternoon Publius would also remind you, gentle readers, when tippling back the glasses at thy pub, remember, “Vine or grain but ne’er the twain.”

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

zuzu

The Seven Republican Dwarves: Greedy, Twitchy, Stabby, Ragey, Shouty, Whitey and Beck.

alicublog, 8/3/10

JT Orlando said,

August 5, 2010 at 22:16

My opposite marriage is now in tatters

Shadoobee.

Sadly, No!, 8/5/10

N__B said,

August 5, 2010 at 23:04

Release the Kagan!

Sadly, No!, 8/5/10

Fats Durston
Fucking scythe-using goat-dowrists make me sick.  True marriage is between sickle-users who exchange cows for daughters.

alicublog, 8/5/10

Jay B.

I’ve observed first hand that cow-for-daughter marriages from your village always pose a problem — which one is which? As for your choice of threshers, I can only pity you. And hate you with the force of a thousand suns.

alicublog, 8/5/10

Fats Durston 
Go ahead and crow about being from the clan Kaus.  The cruel laughter you hear reflects our opinion of the height of your haycocks, heretic.

alicublog, 8/5/10

actor212 said,

August 6, 2010 at 15:54

Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?

Le Rue du Mur Zhournal would undoubtedly have run an article “Gâteau Conduit à la Perte de Poids à la Décapitation”

(Cake Leads to Weight Loss Due To Decapitation)

Sadly, No!, 8/6/10

CrustyDem August 9th, 2010 at 12:31 am

Wow. I generally assumed Douthat was hired because somebody thought he was a good writer, or a smart guy, but this (after a fairly succinct description of how our view of heterosexual “traditional marriage” is anything but):

Rather, it’s that lifelong heterosexual monogamy at its best can offer something distinctive and remarkable — a microcosm of civilization, and an organic connection between human generations — that makes it worthy of distinctive recognition and support.

has got to be the shiftiest load of crap I’ve ever read. It’s the most reason-free turd of an argument I’ve ever read. “Gay marriage is just fine, but straight marriage can be better, because it feels that way to me.” Personally, I would rewrite that paragraph as:

Gay marriage can be a beautiful flower, verdant and colorful, rich and lush. This flower can fill your heart with joy and make a stern man sing with happiness. But straight marriage can be like a rainbow, with all the colors mixed together into one magnificent entity. And that rainbow kicks the shit out of your gay little flower anyday. Suck it, fags!

TBogg, 8/9/10

Thanks as always to this week’s contestants! 

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  1. August 11, 2010 at 11:31 am

    I wish I could take credit for “Release the Kagan” but I stole it from, of all places, Gawker. On the other hand, I stole “We all have our bears to cross” from “Isaac Asimov’s Joke Book,” which I read circa 1975. So maybe I should be removed from this post entirely.

  2. August 20, 2010 at 9:35 am
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