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Comments Out of Context

Almost back on schedule with these. 

I don’t normally pimp my own comments, but the one included below was particularly well-received, and I think it holds up well.  So one of my own graces this week’s compendium:

EdnasEdibles 03:56 PM

Sometimes when I at at the bathroom at work I have an overwhelming desire to pick the stall next to the pooper and whisper “I know what you’re doing in there. You’re disgusting” and leave. I don’t know why I want to do this. I kind of think it would be funny in a messed up way. But there’s a part of me that realizes it could be the CEO so I don’t.

Jezebel, 7/15/10

 Jennifer said,

July 15, 2010 at 4:06 

Shorter Teabagger resolution on who the “real” racists are:

Whereas our butts hurt mightily because ni**ers are allowed to use the N word but we are not and,

Whereas yeah, verily, this load we carry around in our pants doth chap mightily and,

Whereas, we know you are but what are we?

Now therefore, be it be resolved that henceforth and further, every complaint which makes us whine like the little titty-babies we are shall be couched in florid, Founderesque-language to further underline our Doucheitude, in case we aren’t screaming it loud enough or Fox and Rush didn’t give it enough coverage.

Adopted unanimously each and every day we live and breathe, in whatever year of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST WHO HATES THE LIBERALS it may be. So let it be written; so let it be done.

Sadly, No!, 7/14/10

 Willy said,

July 16, 2010 at 17:50

Renew America is a slot machine of stupidity that always pays out.

But the payout is in buckets of poo

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Pupienus Maximus said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:40

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Make wallets. Where do you think expandable luggage came from?

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 tsam said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:47

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

I thought he used them for crafts since macaroni is so overdone.

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

Whale Chowder said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:49

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Where do you think fried “calamari” comes from?

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Sirius Lunacy said,

July 16, 2010 at 20:15

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Leather coats for His pet rocks

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Copeland Says:

July 17, 2010 at 10:27 am

They say torture just won’t wash out
With a press release or a primal shout.
Mr. Bybee regrets he’s unable to lunch today.

Of legal opinions he was proud.
By Torqemada he was never cowed;
But Mr. Bybee regrets he’s unable to lunch today.

The Poor Man Institute, 7/17/10

 tigris said,

July 19, 2010 at 3:35

They showed, on air, a fucking picture of a monkey with a pistol photoshopped in its hand, and told their god-damned viewers it was a fucking faked photo of a picture of a monkey with a pistol in its hand.

The point of telling their viewers that the image they were about to show was a faked photo was that (a) some of their viewers might actually think it was a photo of a Taliban killer monkey with a pistol, and (b) their viewers might not be able to visualize in their heads what a monkey with a gun might look like

All true, and you know, some of them probably STILL thought it was a real photo.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 El Cid said,

July 19, 2010 at 3:41

All true, and you know, some of them probably STILL thought it was a real photo.

They’d best be careful before showing images from “The Jetsons” lest their viewers start driving off bridges so that their cars can drive to work.

And I’m saying that only because innocent people might be below.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 Willy said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:04

Rings freak me out. Wear more than two and I won’t turn my back on you.

When I was a kid my dentist was the one portrayed by Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors. After each torture session he’d pull open a drawer to reveal a plastic foam block studded with toy rings. “Because you were so good, you may choose two,” Dr S would say, rubbing the bite mark on his thumb.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 El Cid said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:07

When monkeys with pistols are outlawed, only outlaw monkeys will have pistols.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 N__B said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:21

Calling in teh monkeys wiv the guns and shit

(a) Leave off the shit. That’s ammo for the monkeys.

(b) Unless they can dance in unison while singing “When You’re a Jet” they don’t scare me. Unless they’re armed with shit.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 thingwarbler July 18th, 2010 at 3:34 pm

In response to DrDick @ 1

Eh, more like ignorance and tragedy had an incestuous quickie in the back seat of dyslexia’s Camaro, and Sarah is the unwanted and unloved result of their sweaty & sticky act of passion.

The fail is so strong in her, I really hope she gets the GOP nod to be Master of the Universe in 2012, if only for the entertainment value.

TBogg, 7/18/10

 EvilDrPuma July 18th, 2010 at 4:08 pm

“Shakespeare liked to coin new words too.”

Yeah, Sarah, but Shakespeare was good at it.

TBogg, 7/18/10

Whale Chowder said,

July 19, 2010 at 20:02

Glenn Beck says he might be going blind.

All the fapping to Sarah is catching up to him.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

 Smut Clyde said,

July 19, 2010 at 21:42

Apparently, Bill Shakespeare made up new words cuz he didn’t know very many of them.
“Refudiate” being a portmanteau word, SP is evidently inspired by Lewis Carroll more than by Shakespeare.

Lust for a bald, black head
Worst Public Enemy album.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

MInd-numbed lefty robot said,

July 19, 2010 at 21:57

But did they ever drive an explosive-laden school bus through a
wall of televisions?

We’ve been advised by our lawyers not to discuss this “myriad” (their words) of pending cases. But I don’t think that was us.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

 Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

July 19, 2010 at 22:42

Breitbart makes up a new violin maker.

Shatavarius?

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

As always, thanks to this week’s contestants.  Now, we have some lovely parting gifts for all of you…

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  1. July 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    your comment was finely done, Jennifer.

    Otherwise, kind of a foreskin-intensive selection, don’t you think?

    • jennofark
      July 20, 2010 at 8:14 pm

      What can I say? It was heavy on monkeys too; just be thankful it wasn’t monkey foreskins all the way up.

  2. July 20, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    …And turtle foreskins all the way down.

    But some of your Y-chromo inclusive readers may be more sensitive about the foreskin concentration, zall Imma sane.

  3. herr doktor bimler
    July 20, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Foreskin concentration? Do you distill them, or boil them down or something?
    Inspissated prepuce DO NOT WANT.

  4. July 21, 2010 at 10:12 am

    See? Now you’ve confused and alarmed Bimler. I hope you’re happy, Jennifer.

  5. BDay
    July 21, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Your teabagger resolution really deserves a post of its own. Or perhaps to be calligraphied on foreskin and framed.

    …did I say foreskin? I think I meant sheepskin.

    • jennofark
      July 22, 2010 at 5:19 pm

      I dunno. I thought the “work-pooper” comment was the standout this week.

      I’m still laughing about “Operation Primate Speargun” from last week.

  6. July 21, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I had the foreskin (sorry, foresight) to turn on the Peeny reference filter so I didn’t see the foreskins.

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