Home > Uncategorized > How to Take a Piece of Metal and Some Plastic, and Turn Them into a Useless Piece of Shit

How to Take a Piece of Metal and Some Plastic, and Turn Them into a Useless Piece of Shit

Horrors of Hallmark, part 3:

These are marketed as "Angel Stones." I was not aware that angels have stones.

The Hallmark is full of little baskets of useless happy-crappy things they call “pocket charms.”  A “pocket charm” apparently is for the purpose of throwing into your purse or whatnot where it will never be seen again, because WTF would you do with it even if you found it?  I’m pretty good about not showing my true feelings about most of the merchandise in the store, but when it comes to the pocket charms, not so much.  I had a customer the other day that was looking at a basket of them by the register – these were made of stamped-metal in the shape of a wing and supposedly represent “angel wings.”  Said customer noted that all of the wings were left (that’s something, at least) and we both had a good laugh as I imitated how a one-winged angel would fly…around and around in circles.

If I keep it up, I might manage to get fired from this job, too.

The curious thing about all the various pocket charms in the store is that we always seem to get rid of them, even though we hardly ever sell any of them.  Perhaps a better name for them would be “pickpocket charms” or something with a shoplifting-vibe.  Actually that would be a fun experiment – make a pocket charm, call it a “klepto angel,” and see how many of them get stolen.

These things I’m sure cost less than a Happy Meal toy to make, and retail for anywhere from $1.99 – $3.99.  And yes, some people do occasionally buy them – though it’s even more pitiful that others would be willing to risk arrest to steal them.  Imagine the shame of having a shoplifting arrest on your record, because you tried to lift a piece of useless crap that’s worth less than nickel.

Let’s get some perspective, people.

Stealing something like this doesn’t make sense even for a compulsive shoplifter doing it for the thrill of things – because where’s the challenge?  Rip off that 5-foot long windchime, motherfucker … then I’ll be impressed.

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  1. Jeff
    May 14, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Thank you very much for the morning laugh. I needed this after reading all the negative news etc…… “Rip off that 5-foot long windchime, motherfucker … then I’ll be impressed.”

  2. lytanorman
    May 15, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    This is fabulous. You outdid yourself on this one, Jaffner.

  3. B^4
    May 15, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I had a customer the other day that was looking at a basket of them by the register – these were made of stamped-metal in the shape of a wing and supposedly represent “angel wings.”

    One could probably “grind” one against a brick until it’s sharp enough to use as a shiv. Do a lot of ex-con types shop at the Hallmark store?

    • jennofark
      May 18, 2010 at 12:57 pm

      Funny you should mention that – late one Sunday afternoon, when it was just me and this one other (fortunately cool) girl working, these guys pulled up in front of the store in an absolute beater, and hung around on the sidewalk out front for several minutes, from time to time peering in at us. We had a very bad feeling about it.

      Then they came in, and they were covered with prison tattoos. So I just did my Hallmark girl routine, asked “how are you gentlemen this afternoon? Anything we can help you find?” and it turns out they were shopping for cards for their buddy’s birthday – a buddy who, as they put it, “is still in jail.”

      Since I’m here to tell you about it, obviously no throat-slitting occured. Though it also speaks to the answer to Halloween Jack’s question on another thread about whether any of the angels have “flaming swords” – the answer is no, and it’s a good thing.

  4. Halloween Jack
    May 18, 2010 at 11:28 am

    I think that this is what you get as a gift for someone when you literally have no idea of what to get them–even the old standbys of coffee and chocolate wouldn’t do.

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