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WASP Angel

Horrors of Hallmark, part 2

FYI, “Angel crap” is getting its own tag as a result of this post.  Because it’s one of the pillars of Hallmark.  Just sitting here thinking about it now, I can think of over a half-dozen examples of “angel crap” in our store alone.  Which may finally answer the age-old riddle about how many angels can dance on a pinhead.  That would be:  none, because otherwise there would be no need for entire stores in cities coast-to-coast burgeoning with this schlock.

First up in angel crap, we have the “Foundations” figurines by Enesco.  How do they offend thee?  Let us count the ways:

"Bereavement Angel" Inappropriately trite response to powerful emotion? Check.

"Grandmother Angel" Use of "Meemaw Design" aesthetic symbolism? Check.

"Mother Angel - Hispanic" Half-assed attempt to appeal to duskier-hued customers, while still adhering to an Aryan physcial ideal? Check.

It gets better:

"Confirmation Angel" With GLITTER! Tacky? Check.

"Sentiment Angel" With even MOAR GLITTAR!!1! EPIC tackiness? Check.

Take a look at that last one.  Here’s the “sentiment” the “Sentiment Angel” has written on her dress:

 
“The Lord is your protection. You have made God our place of safety. Nothing bad will happen; no disaster will come to your home. God has put His angels in charge of you. They will watch over you wherever you go.”
 
The catalog listing goes on to describe the other fine qualities of this objet d’crap:  “In soothing pastel colors, folded white wings, and a dusting of glitter.”  Because nothing says “class” quite like glitter.  I still haven’t figured out what that shit on her wings is.  Vines?  Japanese hentai-porn tentacles?
Again, try to wrap your head around the mindset of a person who would find this type of thing appealing, on either an aesthetic or, worse, emotional level.  Everything’s gonna be all right, because it says so on the tacky glitter angel on the mantel?
These things sell for $25 and up, and yes, people buy them.  Further proof that the End Times are at hand.
And if I had big hairy balls, WordPress could suck them.
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  1. May 8, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Again, try to wrap your head around the mindset of a person who would find this type of thing appealing, on either an aesthetic or, worse, emotional level.

    Teabaggers!
    ~

  2. Rusty Shackleford
    May 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Nothing bad will happen; no disaster will come to your home.

    I think this is the message of the book of Job.

  3. Xecky Gilchrist
    May 12, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    I will admit to having bought Angel Crap, as a diplomatic gesture toward the fundie sister-in-law who adores shit like that. Woe.

    “angel crap” looks hilarious as a tag, I have to say.

  4. lytanorman
    May 15, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Tacky glitter angel…twenty five dollars. Jennifer’s comments on tacky glitter angel…priceless.

  5. Halloween Jack
    May 18, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Is there a single angel ornament or tchotchke in Hallmark that has a sword? Preferably flaming.

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