Prediction: Someone, somewhere, will show up at a Halloween party this October with a mannequin leg sticking out of a long dress
The intertubes have been all abuzz about the weird pose affected by Ms. Jolie, not only on the red carpet, but also on stage, during Sunday’s Oscars. Several theories have been advanced to try to explain it, but I think I have figured it out:
Yeast infection.
Oh yes, I said it.
If the vadge was in need of a good airing-out, perhaps Ms. Jolie should have called upon our friend, Hello Kitty, for assistance. A wind has got to be more effective than the mere breeze that can be achieved with that pose:
If we can get an advance copy of this into Glenn Reynolds’ hands, he may just put it on an endless loop and NEVER BLOG AGAIN:
Actually, this is a documentary short about a guy who’s making a stop-action robot porno. The full-length feature film won’t be available for some years to come, if ever. But as one reviewer noted, “A robot horse getting buttf*cked? That’s relevant to ALL MY INTERESTS!”
There’s plenty of teh funneh in just the little clip above, too – particularly when he pauses for a moment after picking up one of his creations, then just bluntly states its purpose.
When Beth posted the gif of the Christmas decoration of the guy whipping another guy, I was worried that nothing could top that for holiday tastelessness.
I needn’t have worried.
Remember last year, when I posted this video:
…and then rhetorically asked, “what’s next, the “Shit on Santa” toilet liner?”
I shouldn’t have tempted fate. Behold, Scat Santa:
Even worse than shitting on Santa….
I’m not going to comment further on this, because I don’t want to make things even worse. Ok, yes I am. One wonders if this appears in the home of someone who once threatened Santa with “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck!” after receiving an unwanted gift.
Here we see a “celebunativity” from Madame Tussauds, circa 2004. Hey, sometimes you gotta go with the classics:
No description will suffice
Those are “wise men” George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Prince Philip. The Virgin Mary? Posh Spice, with Beckham as the cuckholded husband. Samuel L. Jackson is on hand to shepherd the Baby J through the shadow of the Valley of Death, along with fellow shepherds Graham Norton and Hugh Grant. Australian pop star Kylie Minogue appears in the role of the angel.
To be fair, Madame T’s didn’t think this up on their own – the British public voted on who to include in the scene, in which roles. Proving that dry, acerbic British wit is alive and well.
I don’t know why, but toe-sucking has touched my life peripherally in a 20-year cycle, starting when I was around 10.
Beth will remember the first incidence. At the time, the whole idea of “toe sucking” had never even occured to me; I was introduced to the concept by my sister, who is 4 years younger than we are. Here’s what happened: one night, back in the days when we still lived across the street from one another, Beth was spending the night at my house. We were in bed, and my mom was in the bathroom doing her nightly ablutions, while my sister, who was notorious for refusing to go to bed at a reasonable hour, was hectoring her from her room. It went something like this: “Momma….momma…momma…momma…” “Kate, go to sleep!” “Momma…momma…momma…momma…” (sounds of teeth brushing) “momma…momma…momma…momma…momma…….YOU SUCK!!!!” (sounds of bare feet slapping wood floors as mom strode quickly from bathroom to Kate’s room…sounds of hand slapping flesh…shrieking…) “YOU SUCK YOUR TOES!!! I MEANT YOU SUCK YOUR TOES!!!” (sounds of me & Beth trying to control laughter so it won’t be heard).
Anyway, that was my introduction to the whole concept of “toe-sucking.” It wasn’t until some 15 or 20 years later that I learned that it could also be a sexual fetish, and again, I didn’t ask to know this; it was foist upon me. By this time, I was living in Little Rock and the town was abuzz with tales of the Conway Toe-Sucker, an unfortunate young man with an uncontrollable passion for feet. He struck at Baptist Hospital at the time a friend of mine was in for surgery; she and her roommate almost burst their stitches laughing at their jokes about how he was going to jump out and get them while they did their doctor-ordered hallway walks. Some months later, I met the actual Baptist Hospital toe-suck victim quite by accident, when she joined a group of my friends for dinner at a restaurant. By this time, the Toe Sucker had been convicted and this woman had testified at his trial.
I, of course, was full of questions. I asked her how it had come about that this guy was actually able to, you know, get her toes in his mouth. At this, her husband said in a shocked tone, “he had your TOES in his MOUTH?” in the same tone of voice you expect to hear someone say ”you SLEPT with him?” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, dude, you’re MARRIED to her, shouldn’t you KNOW about this already?
Anyway, she said that what had happened was that she was in her office when a nice-looking guy had come in and started talking to her; he sat down and then started complimenting her shoes, saying that he used to be a shoe salesman (this was in Al Bundy’s heyday, so…I’m not sure why she didn’t find this ridiculous), and asking if he could take a closer look at them. He put one of her feet in his lap, took off the shoe and…started sucking her toes. When she reacted with alarm, he jumped up and ran out of the office.
After hearing her story, I said, “ok, I understand that it’s kind of icky to have some stranger’s mouth on your foot but…that seems relatively harmless, so why the deal with the trial and sentencing?” She said that he had approached a woman at the Little Rock airport and told her he wanted to cut her feet off and take them home with him. So the court thing had, it turned out, been completely necessary. She went on then about how she just couldn’t understand why this guy was doing this; she said he was good-looking and had a beautiful wife and a couple of kids so it just didn’t make sense that he was running around trying to suck all these women’s toes. I waited a beat, then said, “maybe he just needed to get some STRANGE TOE.” Which, of course, brought down the table.
A couple of years later, I learned that another friend of a friend had been approached by the Toe Sucker; in this case, he struck when she was at a convenience store getting back into her car. He came up and started complimenting her shoes and was crouched by the side of her open car door as she was sitting in the car, and had just gotten around to fondling her feet when she said, “what in the hell are you doing?” This scared him off. Valerie had a much better sense of humor about the whole thing; according to her, it was her own fault for “enticing” him, since as she noted she was wearing open-toed shoes and had just polished her toenails.
That was the last I ever heard of the Toe Sucker until…today. The story has even made the Reuters network - I cannot tell you how PROUD I am, once again, to live here. This is almost as good as the time the WWF announced they would not return to Little Rock because of the fans’ lack of manners and respect. HOW REDNECK does your town have to be for the WWF to refuse to come there? Anyway, I’m pretty sure the current toe-sucking suspect has to be the same guy because…what are the odds?
The other reason I love all things Conway Toe-Sucker related is that it always reminds me of the Baltimore Foot-Stomper from Polyester:
Step aside, Jimmy Carter…your many misdeeds, including all those houses you’ve built for Habitat for Humanity and the almost-completed initiative to eradicate the horrifying scourge of the guinea worm have been overshadowed by the malevolent designs of our current president.
This least of God's creatures will soon be extinct, thanks to the evil machinations of Jimmy Carter
President Obama, in a an attempt to show gays & lesbians once and for all how much he hates them, yesterday held an event at the White House to ridicule and demean LGBT Pride Month. Taunting the assembled activists by refusing to make an unequivocal statement in support of legalizing gay marriage nationwide, the president went on to enumerate his many offenses against the gay community - and how they do add up. There’s the hate crimes law, named after Matthew Sheppard to diminish and exculpate the suffering he endured at the hands of homophobic bigots. There’s the executive order Obama issued prohibiting any hospital accepting Medicaid or Medicare funds from keeping gay partners from the bedsides of ill loved ones. Then there’s the end of the HIV travel ban and the first-ever national strategy for fighting HIV/AIDS. Last but not least, there are the biggest slaps to the face to the LGBT community – the repeal of DADT and his refusal to order the Justice Department to vigorously defend DOMA.
Clearly, the man is hell-bent on the destruction of our gay and lesbian friends, and must be stopped. Just watch this clip, and note the hatred emanating from his every pore:
We have no choice but to primary his black ass if he does not give in to our demands to say what we must hear if we are to believe his intentions are anything other than sinister.
I am reminded of this
Ok, enough sarcasm.
My ass is chapped a bright red today thanks to being lectured on my lack of “morality” and my “bigotry” and my desire to ”blame gays and lesbians” for any electoral loss the president may suffer in 2012 if he comes out in full-throated support for same-sex marriage legalization. I was given quite the dressing down on how “principles are paramount” and how, apparently, the principles an individual subscribes to can best be gauged by their words rather than their actions. And you know – it REALLY pissed me off.
There’s a faction on the left that doesn’t know how to disagree with people who share their goals, without impugning their motives or morals, when they have a difference of opinion on how best to reach those goals. Because this discussion took place on someone else’s blog, I restrained myself from responding in kind, instead just asking in the hypothetical, “would it be FAIR for me to assert that YOU are actively trying to derail marriage equality in states like mine for the next several decades with your demands that the president’s words are more important than his actions, and that if he doesn’t say what you want to hear, then he shouldn’t be re-elected?” Because the simple fact is, same-sex marriage is not going to be legal for a long time to come in places like Arkansas, Texas, Georgia, Alabama, etc. if we don’t secure a majority on the Supreme Court. You just aren’t going to get a referendum passed in a state that 7 years ago amended its constitution to outlaw gay marriage with a 75% majority vote. You also aren’t going to get a law through a legislature in a state where opposition is running that high. The only way equality is going to come to these states any time soon is through a friendly court. And the only way we’re going to get a friendly court is with a second term for President Obama.
So if your insistence is that ONLY a statement of support by the president will suffice, and said statement leads to 1% or 2% of the voters in a place like OH, IN, VA, CO, NC deciding to vote against you or stay home on election day, causing you to lose the state and, as a result, the election, you can kiss the Supreme Court goodbye for the next decade at least - and any chance for marriage equality in most of the red states along with it. And for what gain? So you can feel good, or be reassured that your “principles” are being upheld? Because there’s no gain in the gamble if you win it, but there’s a hell of a lot to lose if you don’t.
Perhaps the social climate where some of these folks live is so different that they can’t conceive of an election turning on this one issue. I’d advise them to think back to 2004, when the Republicans used anti-gay marriage referenda in a number of states to drive turnout and drag their already-a-loser-of-a-president over the finish line. Demanding that Obama make a supportive statement – right now, this instant - is the same thing as demanding that he hand the Republicans everything they need to get out the vote. If you’re sitting in the northeast or on the west coast, maybe that’s not that big of a deal to you, because it’s not impossible where you live that your state will address this issue on its own within the next several years, should Republicans re-take the White House. But it’s a very big deal to your comrades in places where that’s not an option. Their right to equality comes before your desire to hear pretty words. This is not the hill upon which anyone should choose to die. Suck it up, and stop being such assholes to people who are on your side.
P.S. There was one amusing point in the conversation, which came when I demanded that one of the purists tell me HOW she planned to get marriage equality passed in Texas if we lost the election, and with it, the court. Her plan? Obama should do “arm-twisting” like LBJ did on the Civil Rights Act. Yes, that’s right – the plan B was for Obama to go twist the arms of a bunch of reactionary yahoos elected to office by teabaggers, and…voila!!…they would all get on board. Even though opposition is running at 70% or more in their states. It’s almost like a twist on the Underpants Gnomes formula:
Step 1: Twist arms!!!
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Victory!!!
It would be funny if the rights of real people weren’t at stake.
Ok, there is a picture below that would be considered “naughty” by the more prudish among you; in poor taste by others of you, and frickin’ hilarious by everyone else. So I’m going to post some other less provocative content first…that way, the NSFW stuff isn’t popping up on your monitor while you may be at the office – you have to scroll down a bit to see it.
I’ve been saving some of these for awhile, and this is as good a time to post them as ever:
A little something for our friend zombie rotten mcdonald
Somewhere out there, a deranged Hello Kitty fan has an image of the famous feline posing as Hannibal Lecter indelibly inked on their person.
I can't wait for "The Hills Have Hello Kitty Eyes"
NowareallyreallyreallyreallyreallylongstringofwordswithoutspacesbetweenbecauseWordpressis TEH SUXXOR and is shit for formatting….ahhh, that’s better. All of the above are courtesy of Hello Kitty Hell, which chronicles one brave man’s struggle against worldwide domination by the menacing mouthless feline.
And now for our main event (drumroll please)…the winner of the Homer Simpson Look-Alike Contest:
DOH!
Your retinas will never be the same but…striking resemblance, don’t you think?
BDay
lytanorman
jennofark
