I’m surprised the holiday hasn’t flushed Lyta out into the open. If I recall correctly, growing up this was pretty much our favorite holiday. Halloween was in its heyday back then – everyone went trick-or-treating. These days, not so much. At least in my neck of the woods, the churches have managed to convince a fair number of the bufords that Halloween is “satanic” or something equally stupid. The good news is that this year – on a Sunday night, no less - I saw more trick-or-treaters show up at my door than I have in the past 10 years. I had some last night too, which was the “official” trick-or-treat night, all the better to not offend the overly sensitive who feel that everyone should respect their fee-fees by pretending to believe the same things they do. I’m happy to report that tonight’s crew of ghouls and goblins outnumbered last night’s by a factor of 10 or more. I count that as one more win for sanity.
I would tell you all about Pegleg Pete, who was a ghoul known only to the kids in our suburban neighborhood back in the day, or about the time in college my fellow architect geeks and I destroyed a frat boy’s car with a pumpkin decoy, but the holiday’s almost over and it will have to wait for another time. Instead, in honor of the day, I give you this:
The funniest thing that happened is this – I had a motion-activated talking pumpkin, left over from several years ago at the Hallmark, that looks like this:
When activated, the organ music from above plays, and the friendly fellow says things like, “I hope you enjoyed the music – I decomposed it myself…ahahaha,” “Do you like Halloween? Of CORPSE you do! Ahahaha!,” “Did your mummy dress you like that? Creepy!” and “It looks like you grew some since last year. Yes…GREWSOME!!!” Also, when he talks, his mouth moves.
Anyway, I had set him up on one of the chairs on the porch and aimed him so the motion detector would activate whenever someone came up the porch steps. So I could hear from the living room when someone was coming, even before the bell rang, because that creepy organ music would start up and he’d start talking.
So, last night I’m sitting on the couch reading, and I hear the thing start up. But no one ever rings the bell or knocks. I go look out the door, and here’s these two little kids out at the end of the front walk with their mom. I ask them, were you coming to trick or treat? And their mom says, “that thing started talking and scared them, and they ran down the steps and out to the street!” So I told them it wasn’t anything to be afraid of, but the little one wasn’t having any of it. Finally I said, “if I take him in the house, will you come up to get your candy?” The little kid just nods. Even after I did, when he came up to the porch, his eyes were as big as saucers. I guess it’s fortunate that they didn’t fall going down the steps in their hurry to run away – otherwise I might have had a really scary lawsuit on my hands.
Good thing I didn’t order one of those motion-activated skull heads that flies out from the wall and screams when activated – I admit to being sorely tempted. I always was a fan of playing dirty tricks on Halloween. Just ask Beth and Lyta.
A great collection from the past week. Keep them coming, kids! And following, several very disturbing photos. You have been warned.
May 16, 2010 at 21:44
“my parents’ cat used to eat tinsel off the tree and then would shit out tinsel-laced cat turds that would dangle off its ass like tin cans from a wedding limo.”
If that’s a surprise then you must not have spent many Christmases with cats in the house.
Seeing tinsel hanging out a cat’s ass is one of the joys of the season.
Sadly, No! 5/16/10
May 17, 2010 at 3:27
Needs more RoboGeisha. H/T Dennis Hartley at Digby’s joint.
One of the Seattle Film Festival flics that Hartley mentions:
“…the first documentary to examine the world of… yodeling lesbian twins.”
At long last!
Sadly, No! 5/16/10
I think what the Freepers are trying to say is that giving away tampons is bleeding the school of funds and we must take steps to plug this leak. The issue clearly has some of them uptight; I think we need to slow down and fully absorb what they are saying. After all, the students at Harvard Law paid for a legal education–no strings attached.
The Editors Says:
May 16, 2010 at 8:03 pm
I’m not reading all these fuck you
The Poor Man Institute, 5/16/10
The Miss USA people were concerning that if a Christian was selected, they wouldn’t own the rights to her inevitable sex tape.
That’s not a big tent. That’s his pants.
John Revolta said,
May 18, 2010 at 5:47
sometimes the bunnies bite back
This is totally going on my tombstone
Sadly, No! 5/17/10
May 18, 2010 at 22:26
“Mark my word. Hezbollah is laughing at us, tonight,” Schlussel raged.
Don’t you get it, man?!! This is the perfect for Hezbollah to infiltrate–through beauty pageants! THINK ABOUT IT.
Are you scoffing…or did I just blow your fucking mind?
Sadly, No! 5/18/10
May 18, 2010 at 23:24
My chum Wendy literally kissed her Obama bumper sticker right before my unbelieving eyes.
Worst Penthouse Letter EVER!~
Sadly, No! 5/18/10
Smut Clyde said,
May 18, 2010 at 23:51
Smut, that looks like a TOY. Creepy.
Imagine how many times I have heard that.
Sadly, No! 5/18/10
Freshly Squeezed Cynic
If you want a vision of the future, imagine Patrick Swayze stamping on a human face – forever.
Whale Chowder said,
May 19, 2010 at 19:43
How do you gracefully tell someone their website is gross and they should improve it?
WEB DESIGN, MOTHERFUCKER! HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?
Oh wait, you said “gracefully”
Sadly, No! 5/19/10
May 20, 2010 at 11:29 am
I suggest that we hereafter call all conservative think tanks/astroturf orgs/wingnut welfarers “Koch Suckers.”
The Poor Man Institute, 5/20/10
Remember when I mentioned the photos of the hirsute man in speedos which were originally posted in the Something Awful Forums?
The following piece was written by my cousin, Jody Callahan. (With a little editing/paraphrasing on my part.) I decided to post it because I think it’s a damned good commentary on the subject. I haven’t subjected myself to the “Twilight” movie. (After reading Jody’s opinions I may have to see it, after all.) But I must admit to reading the books. Mainly because a nice but misguided Barnes and Noble employee recommended the books for my son, and I often like to read what he’s reading to see what he’s interested in. These books and movies seem like a backlash against real horror movies more than anything else. The premise of the first novel is that Bella, your average misunderstood teenager, goes to live with her father, who she has never been very close to (geographically or emotionally). She soon notices that there are several students in her new high school who are different from all the other kids. (I’ll say.) She finally realizes they are vampires. But they’re good vampires (of course) who only drink animal blood. One of these, Edward, becomes Bella’s vampire love interest. He, naturally, is supernaturally handsome, charming, kind, restrained, modest, wealthy, worldly…there’s not even a mild undercurrent of bad boy or bloodsucker in him. I understand that the writer of the novels the movie is based on, Stephenie Meyer, is Mormon. I can see where the concept of cautioning teenagers against premarital sex and advocating morality and virtue is appealing to her. In this case why choose the format of the vampire/werewolf novel for this? Just a currently popular vehicle for the message – I grok that. This doesn’t make it any less annoying. Of course, most of the main vampire characters in the novels are of such high moral character and such models of self-discipline, I have to wonder why Ms. Meyer didn’t choose a band of angels to come down from heaven and attend high school. And the werewolves in the series… aren’t. Not in the traditional horror movie sense. They’re an extremely noble and loyal tribe of shape-shifting Native Americans who protect the area from vampires. Politically correct werewolves, so to speak.
There is no doubt who the target audience is for the movie itself. (At Christmas I saw a ten-year-old girl having a serious meltdown in Target because they didn’t carry the particular “Twilight” movie poster that she wanted.) But as far as I know, with some exceptions, since when are vampire and werewolf novels and horror films appropriate fare for kids that age? (And for all you people who know me and know I’ve been reading Stephen King since I was twelve – YES – I’m one of the exceptions. As is my son, who I took to see “Blade” when he was five. Some kids can handle real vampires and most, apparently, cannot. In fact, at the time I took Will to see “Blade” I remember thinking about how his cousin, also five, was still afraid of the Wicked Witch of the West. And that’s more the norm, I think. And did my son like “Blade”, you ask? No…he psychotically loved it.)
Dracula sure as hell wasn’t written for kids. And granted it may seem a little tame nowadays. But the underlying message is the same today as it was then: Monsters will harm you…kill you if they can. They’re evil. It’s their JOB. They’re not interested in your chastity…or your virtue…or your life. Their goal is to rob you of all those. So when did vampires stop being evil, undead bloodsuckers? When did werewolves stop ripping people apart? (And don’t even get me started on the love story angle of the “Twilight” series.) Watering the subject matter down to guarantee yourself a larger, albeit younger, audience just doesn’t cut it. Shame on you – Stephenie Meyer. In any case – on to Jody’s thoughts – seeing as how he’s the one who suffered through the film. ( Thankfully, he didn’t fork out the cost of a movie theater ticket to see it. Although, even at Netflix prices…I sense that it wasn’t worth the time.)
I don’t know where to begin. Not that I have so much to say, but the movie is so forgettable it’s hard to get a hold on it as a whole – like some particle floating beneath the surface of the water - the harder you try to grab it the more you push it away. Actually, that simile was more than this movie deserves. How about I go at this bullet point style?
· I can see how a 13-year-old little girl would go for this, because what does she know about anything? What disturbs me is how many grown-ass adults are into the Twilight movie and the books. (It’s as disappointing as back in MySpace days, when adults would list as their favorite books several titles from their childhood, one classic read from high school, Nicholas-fucking-Sparks, one from whatever minstrel representative of their particular political view, Harry Potter, and the Bible. This means to me that most people read shit if they read at all. Yes, I get that Harry Potter is for fun, but if I’m given a choice between an HP title and one appropriate for my age…)
· I don’t care how hot you are, staring and mouth-breathing at each other does not make for lasting sexual tension.
· I love horror movies. I love the lore. I love rule breaking. But you have to know, respect, and follow the rules with devotion and discipline before you can be worthy of breaking them. Vampires do not fucking sparkle in the sunlight. The light of day kills them dead. They don’t glint and glitter like a teen or twenty-something that insists on dressing like a “sexy” fairy for Halloween. Go find a friend who hasn’t seen the movie or read the books. Tell him that you came up with this new and awesome vampire story. Tell him your new take on the lifestyle of the undead is that instead of being burned to death by the light, they stand with their arms outstretched in the sunbeams like it’s a Creed video and sparkle like pretty diamonds. Then stand still with your arms by your side, because you friend is right to run up and punch you and demand that you apologize.
· Allow me to paraphrase some dialogue:
Edward: “I’m going to kill you.”
Bella: “You’re pretty.”
Edward: “Seriously, I will rip you apart and feast on your blood and entrails.”
Bella: “I drive a truck.”
Edward: “Are you listening?”
Edward: “I’m a sexual predator and serial killer by nature. It’s difficult for me to not rape you to death right now and eat your dead, lifeless corpse.”
Bella: “You’re so complex and hard for me to read.”
Edward: “Forget it. Let’s just climb some trees in the next scene.”
· Is there anything a crippled beer-drinking Indian in a wheelchair can’t lend credibility to? Like the story that once upon a time in pilgrim days some vampires dressed as foppish dandies and killed a guy in the woods…
· Of course, God forbid the film show much of West Coast Indians, or their reservation at all. Instead, let’s whisk Bella away to her high-school-for- Abercrombie & Fitch-models who can’t be all that bright because they appear to be 25.
· Let’s see. Somewhere else in there the girl from “Up In The Air” put on a prom dress while Bella didn’t care. It was the closest I felt to the movie.
· Did they play baseball or did I dream that?
A bigger reason I can’t comment more on this movie is because it doesn’t matter. I was too old for this film when I was 19. It’s a movie about people wishing something more remarkable would happen, and maybe that’s the connection between it and its loyal following. And I’m being sincere. The romantic leads barely kiss. They were going to have sex but decide not to, and spend all their time wondering what it would be like if they did. At the end a bad-guy vampire wants to eat Bella “just because”, so the good guys go for a drive, get bored and have a “climactic” battle where no one really gets hurt except the bad guy. Then Bella and Edward go to the prom.
The only saving grace is that Kristen Stewart is getting notoriety for this. I think she can/will be great based on her performances in “Adventureland” and “Into The Wild.”
I’m gonna go find a cute girl and stare at her and mouth-breathe and see how far that gets me.