I’ve compressed all media coverage of the past two weeks into the following clip:
To sum up…PENIS!!!
Or as Shakespeare might have said: “…it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying PENIS!!!!”
Another day, another internets tempest in a teapot.
I’m apparently unwelcome to post comments over at Gateway Pundit, though whether it’s the result of me pointing out uncomfortable truths (calling people liars when they tell lies) or due to bringing on the vapors in the commentariat by using the word PENIS (in its scientific sense; that is, to denote a particular part of the anatomy) is anyone’s guess. Mr. Hoft doesn’t see the need to explain; his preference is to allow his flying monkeys to adopt the “you stopped posting which proves our argument WINS” explanation, rather than the more probable and compelling one: Jimbo dropped by and saw this post and decided I was no longer welcome at his joint, even though I restrained myself from using my usual foul language.
Apparently, Jimbo was NOT AMUSED by the mouse-over caption on this photo
Whatever.
The fact is that if you remain confused and continue to insist there is NO DIFFERENCE between a congressman sexually stalking an underage boy and a congressman sending unsolicited photos of himself in his underwear to adult women, then you are, in fact, a stupid person. These things compare only in that they’re both skeevy and unfitting for people elected to represent us. Comparisons pretty much end there, for the simple fact that one of these things is illegal, while the other is simply juvenile and regrettable.
I remain firm in my conviction that people who are such tender blossoms that they are scandalized by photos of occupied underpants are not adult enough to be making decisions about who should lead us. Seriously, if just the knowledge that a PENIS lurks within said garment is enough to make you clutch your pearls, you’re too innocent for this world and may as well put an end to things now and do away with yourself.
Also, too: if you habitually use the word “garbage” to insult people you’ve never met, you’re not an adult – you’re a Real Housewife of New Jersey. I’m talking to you, Hoft commenter whose screenname rhymes with “jism”.
Have a nice day in Crazytown, folks. And just to distinguish myself from Jimbo, be aware of this site’s comment deletion policy: if you are making things up just to slander someone, or post a link claiming that it proves something that it in fact does not address or prove, your comment will be deleted. Other than that, pretty much everything is acceptable.
LOLcat generator courtesy of roflbot.
I’m not one to go waving flags and cheering in the streets because someone died, but I can’t say I’m sorry that Osama bin Laden no longer walks among the living (and the burial at sea was a great idea, no matter how many conspiracy nuts will claim that the whole thing was faked. Burial at sea means there’s no gravesite to enshrine. We can’t go basing important decisions on what the crazy people will claim, and I’m glad Obama didn’t. Also, too: ocean burial is a prophylactic to Zombie Osama bin Laden. Should Osama be reanimated, his zombie body would be consumed by sharks well before it could ever swim to shore. Regular zombies are bad enough so just imagine how bad a Zombie Osama bin Laden would be. Better safe than sorry, I say.) I do love, however, that they undertook the mission on the anniversary of Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” prance around the deck of an aircraft carrier in a flightsuit. Somehow I don’t think the timing was coincidental.
Just wait, though. I boldly predict that within 2 weeks, wingnuts will be out there pissing and moaning about how Obama “politicized” the mission by targeting that date in order to embarrass Bush; that it was reckless for Obama to “delay” the mission to synch up with the anniversary of Bush’s prance on the aircraft carrier; & etc. Unmentioned in all the criticism will be the fact that Bush failed for 7 years to do the job Obama accomplished in little over 2, largely because it wasn’t important to him, as he illustrated in both words and actions in the 7 years following his “Dead or Alive” pledge delivered for the cameras from his photo-op at Ground Zero. No matter; the wingnutterati will find some way to claim the credit for Bush. Because the thought that a negro is outperforming the sub-normal scion of a wealthy & powerful family that they’ve been worshipping all these years will just make their heads hurt, and that pain will only go away if they think happy thoughts. Who gives a fuck if they’re true?
Swear to god, sometimes I think the only way to interrupt this entirely predictable sequence would be for Obama to just whip out his huge enormous gargantuan black penis and smack it on the podium while challenging the haters: “Now, show us what you’ve got.”
Happy birthday, Bro! Here’s Satan to sing a birthday song just for you:
Hope your 51st trip is the best yet!
He could almost be a Dick Tracy villain
I shouldn’t let this opportunity pass without telling a story about Russell. When we were growing up, my younger sister developed a fascination with saying the word “penis.” So, one day we’re all downstairs watching TV; bro would have been about 12 or 13, I was 10 or 11, and Kate was around 7 and her fetish for the word “penis” was already well-developed. Anyway, Kate was disagreeing with Russell about something and finally reached for her trump – calling him a name involving the word “penis.” But she went way, way beyond, going into great detail. “Russell,” she said, “you’re nothing but a big PENIS. You’ve got PENIS legs, and PENIS arms, and a PENIS HEAD!”
Russell, standing on the other side of the room, said nothing. But he started walking towards her, almost like in slo-mo, with his arms slowly pinwheeling. Kate just stood there rooted on the spot, until he got close enough that the pinwheeling arms were striking her on every rotation, as Russell said, “Boy Kate, these PENIS ARMS sure do HURT, don’t they?” At which point of course she started screaming. I, of course, had long since dissolved into helpless laughter.
Anyway, just another birthday memory for you, since I found this, which I think best illustrates Kate’s 7-year-old conception of “Penis Man.”
Happy birthday!
America's Ugliest Prostitute™, David Brooks
Bobo is simply gushing like a schoolgirl over Rep. Paul Ryan’s deficit reduction plan, which actually increases the debt through the first 10 years and then takes another 40 to bring it into line…assuming that our moribund economy can achieve and maintain a 2.8% unemployment rate. That’s only slightly less likely to happen than for the band of happy monkeys who have taken up residence in my ass suddenly deciding to fly out of it.
Sayeth Bobo:
…The country lacked that leadership until today. Today, Paul Ryan, the Republican chairman of the House Budget Committee, is scheduled to release the most comprehensive and most courageous budget reform proposal any of us have seen in our lifetimes. Ryan is expected to leap into the vacuum left by the president’s passivity. The Ryan budget will not be enacted this year, but it will immediately reframe the domestic policy debate.
His proposal will set the standard of seriousness for anybody who wants to play in this discussion. It will become the 2012 Republican platform, no matter who is the nominee. Any candidate hoping to win that nomination will have to be able to talk about government programs with this degree of specificity, so it will improve the G.O.P. primary race.
The Ryan proposal will help settle the fight over the government shutdown and the 2011 budget because it will remind everybody that the real argument is not about cutting a few billion here or there. It is about the underlying architecture of domestic programs in 2012 and beyond.
The Ryan budget will put all future arguments in the proper context: The current welfare state is simply unsustainable and anybody who is serious, on left or right, has to have a new vision of the social contract.
I’ll agree that Ryan’s Randian wet dream of a “plan” is comprehensive, in the sense that it more shamelessly spells out Republican ideals in a single document than anything we’ve ever seen in our lifetimes. There aren’t any new ideas here, but back in the Reagan era and through the 90s, the GOP was always more careful to decouple screwing the proles from giving the wealthy a nice Invisible Handjob. Reagan cut income taxes, and then turned around and raised FICA taxes – which of course meant that the wealthy paid less while the rest of us paid more. These days, they don’t even bother to try to cover up the shell game.
As for reframing the debate, try this one on for size, Bobo: FDR gave us the New Deal during this country’s last period of economic crisis…today’s GOP is promising to give us a Raw Deal.
If by “seriousness” you mean believing in the fantasy that the debt can be eliminated while taxes on the wealthy are cut even further, then…I do not believe that word means what you think it means. And I don’t know what GOP you’ve been watching when you claim that the party’s eventual nominee will have to be able to discuss the budget with a great degree of specificity, because the rest of us watching have noticed that no one gets out of that clown car alive without embracing Birtherism, racist dog-whistling, and constantly lying their ass off. Actually knowing jack shit about anything ceased to be a Republican litmus-test for high office 30 years ago. These days, it’s a handicap.
But the rubber really meets the road in the bolded paragraph. Having already asserted that Ryan’s proposal will reframe the debate, Bobo goes in for the kill: it naturally follows, then, that what we have is “unsustainable” because, of course, asking wealthy people to pay taxes is not an option. Therefore, if you want to be considered “serious”, you have to have “a new vision,” preferably one that includes making it impossible for old, disabled, and poor people to get health care and if at all possible, food or shelter.
Problem there is, this isn’t a new vision. Charles Dickens presented this vision over and over and over again – literally in serial format – over 150 years ago.
Pieces like this remind me why I hate David Brooks. He’s a slimy jerk who typically starts from a premise that he’s pulled out of his ass and which oddly enough always favors the interests of the social and economic class to which he belongs; then he builds his pile of shit ever higher with the presumption that his premise is the only starting point a “serious” person would work from. This op-ed alone should eternally secure his place on Dickipedia.
I saved the best – his closing, or money shot, as it were - for last:
Paul Ryan has grasped reality with both hands. He’s forcing everybody else to do the same.
Uh…I don’t know what Paul Ryan has in his hands, Bobo, but look down…reality is not what you’re tugging on there.
Let me close by being serious, since that’s the most important thing:
Go fuck yourself, Mr. Brooks, you fucking wanker. Seriously.
Click fully explore the "data" behind this one. (You know you want to touch it...)
As if to prove that “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” I got this from your sister, Jaffner.
... sheer genius ...
My brother is an amazing photographer — even with just the point-and-shoot he took with him to Kabul. I believe this was taken from inside the Queen’s Palace.
The Beast called Wisconsin governor Scott Walker and pretended to be billionaire Walker-funder David Koch. Walker gives his all to please his corporate master:
But wait…there’s more:
…because a mere 10 minutes of evidence of prostitution might not be enough to get the point across.
Just goes to show why maybe all those “liberal elitists” who insist on voting only for candidates who demonstrate competency might be on to something. When you think it’s important to have smart people representing you, it’s far less likely that they’ll embarrass themselves – and you – by getting PWN3D in a prank phone call.
I realize the bar is set pretty low, but at this moment in time, a mere 6 or 7 weeks into his term, Scott Walker is in the lead for the title of America’s Dumbest Governor.
And context for those of you who haven’t been following this as closely: the Koch brothers were the second-biggest funders of Walker’s campaign. More importantly, in the hubbub over Walker’s attack on public employee unions, there’s been a little part of that bill that’s received scant attention. It’s a provision that allows the state to sell off publicly owned energy plants etc., without competitive bidding, or the review of the state’s public service commission or any other entity. If the statehouse Republicans decide it’s a good idea to sell off the state’s public property at fire-sale prices to reward cronies who make billions in the energy sector, people like, oh, I don’t know, the Koch brothers, there would be nothing to stand in their way.
If the things that really matter got the attention they deserved in our media, this would be one of the biggest stories of the past several years. No, not “dumb Republican politician steps on his own dick,” because that, of course, happens with embarrassing regularity. No, this is more like “dumb Republican politician gives up the goods on the real conservative agenda, on tape.”
I’m wondering how Walker will remain in office after this. I mean, he basically admitted that busting unions was his stealth agenda all along, so he cut the legs out from under the “will of the voters” argument right up front…but overall, the most damaging thing, more damaging than any of the individual statements, is the back-slapping collegiality of the conversation between Walker and what he believes to be one of his billionaire patrons. “Bowing and scraping” doesn’t begin to cover it. A fucking 20-minute conversation? Are you kidding me? If it were possible to suck dick over long-distance calls, the only thing we would have heard from the governor was a series of slurps, which would have more concisely conveyed the same meaning – though the call would undoubtedly have been much, much shorter.
Update: I didn’t link The Beast earlier because the site was down – and still is (cue ominous music) but there’s the link for whenever they get it back up and running.
Updated update: And yes, the Wisconsin governor’s office confirms it’s for reals, and that their guy is indeed America’s Dumbest Governor™.
It passed unremarked here that yesterday was the annual celebration of Festivus, characterized by the airing of grievances and feats of strength. Though I didn’t mention it, I did celebrate with a hearty airing of grievances - in this regard I celebrate Festivus year-round - and by wrestling boxes in the warehouse. And of course, the War on Christmas fits in nicely with Festivus celebrations, if Christmas is one of your grievances. Here’s the classic tale of Festivus:
Aluminum poles aren’t the only type featured in Festivus celebrations:
Courtesy of D-KW, you can view a whole gallery of snow penii here.
Also. Too. According to one of Britain’s less-reliable papers, a 17-foot tall snow penis in Poland was blamed for a 30% increase in traffic accidents. Apparently the Poles are shocked by large poles.
Since Beth has officially kicked off our War on Christmas with the delightfully egregious Kids of the King, I’m bringing up reinforcements. I can’t decide which of the following is the most offensive; we’ll set aside the discussion of the crass, mawkish sentimentality of the song itself for the moment and you can deliver your verdict in comments if you can manage to watch even 30 seconds of each of the following. Warning: you’ll want to turn off the speakers if you make the attempt.
First up, we have what I can best describe as the Reagan Republican version, featuring !Rob Lowe! The story is sad, but the visuals are sufficiently generic to satisfy even the most voracious Lifetime viewer:
Don’t you just love how the clean-scrubbed yuppie family in the video matches up with the dirty kid in worn-out clothes in the song? Mom is more attractive in her death throes than most women are on their best days. And !Rob Lowe! perfectly portrays the noblesse oblige of the Reagan era as a busy executive who just magically shows up at just the right moment to help out the less fortunate, which is why we don’t need a social safety net. Also, the shoes is ugly. Bonus points: !Rob Lowe!
This next one is an art school project. Yes, ladies and gents, a student in art school chose this song for one of his projects. Here we see our next Thomas Kinkade in training:
I think this one probably scores highest on the “mawkish sentimentality” scale; the kid actually does look like he’s poor, and mom isn’t done up like Morgan Fairchild on the Love Boat. Instead of the company executive !Rob Lowe! in his Lexus assuaging his guilt by helping out a kid with about the worst sob story one could invent, we’ve got a Tea Party patriot middle-class-type-guy stepping in to do the honors. Poor people may be leeches undeserving of health care and all, but now that she’s dying, he can be a stand-up guy and toss the kid a few bucks to help him feel like he did something for his dying mom. Bonus points: this one has what may be the ugliest pair of shoes I’ve ever seen.
Our last contestant captures the art school vibe better than the art school project, with its nostalgic sepia tones and a dying mother and spare death-room staging straight out of a Vermeer:
Yes, the shoes in this one are horrible too, but at least they match the color of her outfit, and WTF is up with that get-up she’s wearing? The anachronisms in this one qualify for some bonus points: you’ve got a dying 16th-century Dutch woman whose son is running around town in early 20th-century newsboy garb making a purchase of 1980′s shoes in a modern store.
The song itself…uggh. I think the heart of its offensiveness, aside from general unlistenability, is in the narrator’s conceit that God sent this little boy into his path, and presumably is killing his mother, so the narrator can feel better about himself. Yes, that’s what Christmas is all about, dude. It’s all about you, just like every other friggin’ day of the year. Except on Christmas, for that one day, you’ll try to refrain from being such a dick about making sure everyone else knows it.
And I got almost all the way to the end of this post without realizing that they had made this dreck into a movie too, which means the Lifetime vibe from that first one was right on target, because that’s a made-for-Lifetime movie if I’ve ever heard of one. And also, that the end of the world is nigh.
In closing, I’d like to wash my hands of all responsibility for the offensive videos posted above; all the honors go to commenter Spotts 1701 over at Mr. Bogg’s for reminding me of this particular offense to taste and decency which I had successfully repressed for the past several years, though I must agree that an endless loop of this song playing would be an appropriate eternal punishment for Meagan McArdle.
Also. Too. I’m tagging this post with PENIS, because of the song’s general dickishness.
BDay
lytanorman
jennofark